she cried.

A high school senior, I invited my friends to watch a movie at my grandma's house. We were supposed to watch the movie for school, and she had a huge tv. She volunteered her house, excited to have a handful of young people in her usually lonely home.

We showed up; I introduced my friends; and she hugged us all. She was so happy to have our company.

We turned to the tv and found that grandma had no dvd player. We were unable to get together another day, so we had to leave grandma's house to watch the movie at Jamie's. Grandma was SO disappointed that she did not have what we needed. She had been so excited about enjoying our presence while helping us. Now, five minutes after our arrival, we were leaving her again to her quiet house.

She cried.

Now, remembering that day, the tears in her eyes as we left, I cry. Why didn't I stay? Oh, to have those moments back!
-mo

thoughtless

Control.
I feel so out of it. I know God is in it, but I do not know how to trust. (Proverbs 3.5-6)

Anxiety.
I feel so much of it. I know God does not desire it, but I do not know what to request. (Philippians 4.6)

Cares.
I feel so many of them. I know God wants them, but I do not know how to cast. (1 Peter 5.7)

Burdens.
I feel so weary of them. I know God wants to give me rest, but I do not know where to go. (Matthew 11.28)

Feelings.
They seem to be all I have anymore. The logic that used to own me has given way to unpredictable emotion. Well, maybe not so unpredictable. Predictably negative. Predictably sharp. Predictably overwhelming. Predictably powerful. Predictably controlling. Controlling my thoughts, my words, my actions. Controlling my pulse, my blood pressure. My emotional heart controlling my physical heart, my spiritual heart getting lost in the confusion. My head? Overpowered and useless. When my mind ruled my life, I prayed to be able to follow my heart. But, I do not follow; I am dragged mindlessly behind an unrelenting master. I am a slave to feeling.

Obedience.
I feel so far from it. I know freedom hinges on it, but I do not know what it looks like. (John 8.31-32)

Freedom.
I feel so close to breaking into it. I know it is mine in Christ, and I pray for boldness to stand firm in it. (Galatians 5.1)
-mo

home again

haha. i signed into blogger stuff to comment on april's new blog (checkaprilandtim.blogspot.com), so i decided to take a look at my old blog. i am still in atl, and a billion life-changing stuffs have happened since that last post, but last week i returned to the i just want to go home mentality. There are people here without whom i will not move, though, so until they decide to go home, i'm sticking around. they are home.
-mo