Let's trade

My anger for your love.
My jealousy for your joy.
My insecurity for your peace.
My dissatisfaction for your patience.
My selfishness for your kindness.
My bitterness for your goodness.
My inconsistency for your faithfulness.
My abrasiveness for your gentleness.
My irrationality for your self-control.
My flesh for your spirit.
Me for you.
-mo

Thoughts of home

My boots have been heavy the last couple weeks as I have thought a lot about the idea of home. I have just come through a nice, long several weeks in my new house in Brunswick -- the longest stretch without traveling since I moved last August. I have been simultaneously at home and homesick. I miss the city where I spent the last 13 years, the city where, in the truest sense of the words, I grew up. The city where I became who I am. I miss the people who walked with me on that journey. That's the true source of the sickness. I miss my people. I miss my family. I miss having the option of not being lonely.

It's weird to feel anything other than joy when so many things are going so rightly. In fact, I am overwhelmingly excited to be where I am in life and to envision my future. Unless, as I made the mistake of doing a couple weeks ago, I look too far into that future. I have always pictured myself retiring to the small town life in which I grew up. Even when I lived in my city, I knew one day I would return to my town. But, a couple weeks ago, reality shattered that vision. For the first time, I realized there is a very small chance that home will still be there when I am ready to return to it. The town will likely be there, and I love the town. But the town is not home. The people who are there, the love that is there, the comfort of knowing and being known... those are home. If I am fortunate to live to old age, those will have died with my grandparents and with my parents. When I am old, I may have no home to return to. The emptiness of that thought is nauseating. Nauseating and deeply, deeply lonely.

Dear Milledgeville Police Department,

Tonight, my heart races in my chest, my ears are pounding, I cannot sleep. I am terrified. In just over a month, I will trust my most precious gift to you. I will send you my 18-year-old son.

As a mom, I know it is normal to experience anxiety about letting go and allowing my little boy to fly from my nest. I have prepared for that anxiety, and I have met it with equal amounts of excitement for all the amazing adventures I know are in store for him.

But tonight, I know a new kind of fear -- a fear foreign to me, a white female.

You see, my son is Black.* Tonight, I lie awake with worries much greater than whether he will shower often enough or cook healthily enough or learn to live by a budget. Tonight, I fear for his life.

I fear because I know your fear. To be honest, I know your fear all too well. I experience your fear. I, too, grew up in the rural South, and I, too, was taught by my culture to fear Black men. I have felt my heart speed up when I have been alone and approached by a person of color. I know the resulting internal battle between logic and fear. I know the battle, and I fear the battle.

I do not envy your position. I appreciate all you do to keep our communities safe. But I fear your fear, as I fear my own. I fear the fear that causes good men and women in uniform to kill good men and women of color simply because of that color. I do not blame you for the culture in which we were taught, but I beg you -- as I beg myself -- to overcome the injustice that has been so deeply ingrained in us.

This will require painful honesty on our part. Admit our own fear. Face it head-on. Be intentional about addressing our own guilt before we unintentionally steal someone else's innocence. It will neither be easy nor natural, but it is essential to preserving life. LIFE! Lives that matter! Lives worth far more than the effort we put into overcoming our fear. Please! For life's sake! Will you join me in this fight against ourselves?

Milledgeville, in just over a month, I will trust my most precious gift to you.

I am terrified. Are you?

-mo

*He is, in fact, a very close friend whom I consider to be a son.

3 years, 66 lives saved.

This was 3 years ago today. And with this sweet kitty, I stumbled into what has been one of the most positive experiences of my life -- cat and kitten fostering. I have never felt more needed, more valued, more loved than I do when I look into the eyes of the sweet kitties with whom I share my home for their brief moments of need. And I never feel more fulfilled than when one of my babies goes home forever with a loving family.

I could not speak more highly of the community of cat people with whom I work at Furkids Animal Rescue and Shelters. I am so grateful that God used Sunflower (aka Panther, pictured below) to lead me to Furkids and to my favorite hobby -- saving lives.

My fostering stats: 3 years, 66 lives saved.

-mo

learning

that there is never a time to let down one's guard.
that even the best of friends are judgmental at times.
that being 100% will not be acceptable.
that my role to play is to play a role.
that relationships are freaking hard.
-mo

stepping out

7 years and 1 month, almost to the day, after I had my first meeting with Dr. Robert Moore as his newly hired GRA, I walked out of the Andrew Young School (AYS) on my last day as an employee there. I am changed and so grateful. In 2008, I was a 23-year-old MPA student still with very little idea what I wanted in life.  Dr. Moore and others at AYS guided me through learning about myself and my world and discovering the calling God has placed on my life of being an economist who shares the hope of Jesus with the developing world.

I am especially grateful to Dr. Moore, who has been my boss and mentor throughout these 7 years. He has held me to a standard of academic excellence while always encouraging me to dream big and follow God's heart.

I am also thankful to my family and friends, who have borne the burden of hearing all my stories of triumph and failure and have unwaveringly supported me throughout.

Love y'all. So excited to continue on this amazing journey of pursuing Jesus with you.
-mo

My ordinary hour glass

LSU grad student Katie Joy Crawford created a series of self portraits to describe her struggle with anxiety. (Article here: http://www.11alive.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/05/20/photography-anxiety-disorder-self-portraits-katie-crawford/27651345/)

Not all of the photos resonate with my experience, but Photo #4, pasted above, is exactly how I feel most of the time.

Like time itself is crashing down on me, drowning me, captivating me. All the while, I know I am running out of it and I need to be fighting to break free of it. But unable to sense anything other than the claustrophobic entrapment of the hour glass and the debilitating pressure of its falling sand.

Outside my hour glass, time ticks freely, unknowingly, surrounding my captivity, unable to see me through the walls of my ordinary hour glass.

Almighty God of Love

Sunday, we sang the lyrics "We welcome you with praise! We welcome you with praise! Almighty God of Love, be welcomed in this place!"

Almighty God of Love. What a perfectly astounding name for our God. He is All Mighty. He can do or be anything He desires. And His deepest desire is love.  The God who is Almighty chooses love.

Almighty God of Love, help me daily to choose to devote my limited might to the same purpose you have chosen for your all might. Help me love.
-mo

The Book of Eli

This is the second time I have seen this movie. The first time was the night before my life would change forever. My heart is sentimentally heavy as I watch tonight. It's not the best movie ever, but it will always be the movie I watched the night before my life changed forever.

The first time I saw this movie was the evening of January 16, 2010. My best friend and I went out for the evening to spend quality time together before I would leave on January 17 for my first trip to Liberia. My first trip to West Africa. My first trip to the developing world. My first international trip since surrendering my heart and life to God's calling.

When I was in 6th grade, I first knew God was calling me to serve him internationally. I remember waking up in the middle of the night strongly impressed that God was asking me to go to China to share Jesus with the people there. At that age, I was terrified of flying, and I remember sitting in the living room with my dad and bawling for several minutes before I could even catch my breath to tell him what was wrong. When I finally could speak, my only words were "I don't want to go to China." As I regained composure, I was able to describe to Daddy the calling I was sensing. We talked things through, and I was finally able to sleep.

But I said no.

I failed to follow God's call.

I went instead to Philadelphia that summer with my church youth group. We had two flat tires on the way to Philly, and I remember the driver turning around and making a joke about Jonah and the storm God put in his path as he ran from his calling. The joke was not funny to me. I knew I was Jonah. I don't know if I am literally the cause of the flat tires, but I will never forget the lesson God taught me with those tires.

The next several years, I was free of the burden of the call. I all but forgot about it. Perhaps God was waiting until I proved trustworthy to reissue the call.

At just the right time, the reissue happened.  Out of a lemonade machine at Chick Fil A, God spoke. Have I written about that experience here before? It was and is so real. I consider that machine my burning bush. I was an employee at CFA and had just taken an order. I turned to fill a cup with lemonade and clearly heard God speak, calling me again to go.  It was such strange timing. I had not been thinking about spiritual things at all. I was just doing my job, and boom. There God was. I imagine Moses felt similarly when he was just watching his sheep and all of a sudden was being called out from a burning bush.

And I said yes.

I decided to follow God's call.

I signed up to go with West Africa Crossroads Corporation to Liberia.  On January 16, 2010, the old me saw The Book of Eli at Regal Atlantic Station with Amanda. On January, 17, 2010, the old me boarded a plane to Liberia, where on January 18, 2010, the old me became a new me.

I like this movie.
-mo

Unjumped Chips

A life-size game of checkers.
But there is no king.
Never the option to move back.
Whatever chips are left unjumped will remain.
They remain unopened doors,
unexplored options.
They will always be could haves,
some of them should haves.
But there is no king.
Never the option to move back.

Merriest Christmas

My babies with me for Christmas for the first time in our lives. Makes me so merry.

things that keep me awake at night

not knowing how i would get my cats out of the house in a fire.

being the church

Check this out:

I have been carrying this newsletter around in my school bag for over a month waiting to post it to this blog.
Do you see what I see here?
Four Thank-Yous on just ONE page: for working together to clean the church building, for being a top contributor to a children's home, for prayers and acts of kindness toward local teachers, and for feeding a high school football team.
This is not trivial! I have kept this with me and planned to post it because it is such an incredible testimony of the power of God to work through His church to encourage a community.
And, see the announcement in the bottom left corner? Last week, I was there for that fall festival with my mom and my niece. And I saw for myself that what is represented in those thank-yous is really real. Their little church parking lot was packed out with faces young and old, MOST of which I had never seen before. This is my home church. If anybody is a regular attender, I have seen his or her face. There were HUNDREDS of faces from small Sandersville (population 6000-7000) that I had never before seen at this church. Hundreds of faces from a community encouraged by a church living its calling. And you know what really impressed me? It was FREE! This church opened itself up, gave out smiles, laughs, hugs, candy, and a full meal FOR FREE!
It has been a long time since I have seen such a small church so selflessly give of itself to pour into its community.
I am so proud of my home church for being the church in their community.
Thankful for you, Sisters Baptist Church.
Refreshed,
mo

"Your love has given me great joy and encouragement,because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people." (Philemon 7)

let's face it

Next week, I turn 30. 30 short years, 30 long years. 30 years. So, in true third-life crisis form, I am looking back and looking forward. Remembering and planning. As of last Friday, there were only 2 things left on my before-30 bucket list. One of them -- getting a Ph.D. -- I am working on but cannot make happen before 30, so I transferred it to the before-31 list, which works for me. We'll reevaluate this time next year. :) The second thing on my before-30 list I marked off today. See video, then keep reading below.






I could try, but I would never be able to describe to you my skydiving experience. The physical experience itself is unbelievable and indescribable. In addition to that is the act of defying fear and living life without regret. There are so many reasons I should not have jumped from that plane today. Among them: 1) it's crazy to jump willingly into freefall from 10,000 feet; 2) i had a lot of work i needed to get done today; 3) i definitely don't have $169 lying around to spend on doing crazy things. But, there is one better reason I should have jumped: I wanted to. And because I wanted to, I needed to.

My dad's response to my jump: "Crazy fun! Way to go. But is this the little girl who used to squeeze my hand off on airplanes?"

Yep. I'm that little girl. I distinctly remember, though, in 2001, that somehow God gave 16-year-old me the wisdom to decide not to let fear come between life and me. I had the option of not going, but I chose to squeeze my daddy's hand and cry during take-off, turbulence, and landing all the way to Israel that year. I chose to live in spite of fear and without regret. I remember making that choice consciously. And, I remember the incredible experience of walking where Jesus walked.

Since then, I have experienced three weeks in Europe, three trips to Liberia, and several trips across America to visit family. Experiences made possible by a conquered fear of flying.

Today, it happened again. I experienced. I jumped from a plane I never would have been in if it weren't for that 16-year-old wisdom. I jumped because I have wanted to know what it would be like and because I knew I would regret not jumping. I jumped in spite of fear, and in spite of fear, I experienced life in a new, exciting, and amazing way.

I can only hope to carry this wisdom into my next 30 years and to continue truly to live.

Take my word for it. It's worth it to live. It's worth it to know fear and to experience life anyway.

Actually, don't take my word for it. Try it.

FDR's quote is cliche only because it is so true: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Fear stands between life and us. Our options are to turn and run from fear, thus running from life, or to face it and run toward fear and toward life. I choose life!
-mo

Useful

How To Drill Straight Holes with a Hand Drill (Using Lego)
 http://www.instructables.com/id/How-To-Drill-Straight-Holes-with-a-Hand-Drill-Usin/ 

Need women's suitsy now

This Business Suit Onesie Is Ingenious Laziness In Clothing Form http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/readwriteweb/~3/SZEyVMRhSXE/suitsy-business-onesie

Facebook targeted ads

Ha!

Also desperation

Tonight, I am emotional and sleepless in my emotion. I have received word that my Liberian family are stuck in their homes in fear and without food because of the rapidly spreading Ebola virus.

I feel guilty that I enjoy a peaceful, bountiful life here while they suffer.

I feel powerless that all I can do is pray for them.

I commit to a day of fasting and prayer for my west african family, and I challenge you to do the same.

They are stuck in their homes without food. The least we can do is pray one day without food.

Fast with me this week. I will be fasting on Friday. I have friends who will fast other days.

Choose a day before next Sunday and commit to fasting and prayer for the people of West Africa.

Our Great Physician can heal and will heal if we call on His name.

Fast with me.
-mo

Desperation

People's desperate need for Jesus has become increasingly apparent in Liberia.

May we all sense the urgency of a world lost and dying without Him.

God, our healer, heal West Africa. To God be all glory in sickness and in health.
Amen.
-mo

Size matters.